MY PHILOSOPHY.

I have come to the conclusion that my philosophy of my life is work and my future, therefore, I will now only concentrate on my studies.  They say that with music, you normally have to choose between making your career, or making your family.  There is no time for both.  I choose to make my career and give up on the opposite sex. It will never happen for me... So now, I give up.

I believe that there is no such thing as love. I don't believe it anymore. It's all bullshit to my ears. You hear of so many of these romance stories, yet nothing ever happens to you. That's my life. It sucks.

I'm so sick and tired of one-way love, one-sided love, whatever you call it. I've done it for way too long and cannot handle it anymore.  In dramas, they always work out. Boy realizes girl is the one for him, therefore, they end up together.  But in reality, it never works, therefore, boy will never realize you are for him because of the fact that his eyes are glued to another chick. Why couldn't life be like those Korean Dramas or American Soap Operas you watch on tv, even all those shows you watch.

Maybe it's my standards. Am I looking too high of a standard in a guy when I, myself, am below the average when you base it on everything, starting from looks going all the way up to status and personality?

I'm just tired of getting my heart broken over and over again because of the fact that any guy I like(d) would either:
01. See right through me as if I am invisible.
02. Think of me as a only a friend, and when I say friend, I mean like guy-to-guy. They don't even think to count me in as a female. I AM A GUY to them...
03. Befriend me because he has a crush on my friend.
04. Befriend me to get to know the many wonderful, beautiful, pretty female friends I know.
05. Befriend me to get to know someone else due to my spontaneous open-ness to people.
He obviously want to hook up with someone and is a chicken to go up to her and say hi, I like you... but then again, I, myself, am a chicken. I can never go up to someone and actually admit to them that I like them. I just like them from afar and it is never revealed with the exception to a few people.

I am independent. I do not need a male role in my life (besides my daddiee). I need to work on my studies.

I believe all these qualities, but sometimes, deep down, I do believe that I wish I had someone to go to when I needed to. I wish I had someone who I could rely on. Someone who would lend me a shoulder when I need it. Sometimes, it's hard to stay happy 24/7 and robots need their rests too.

BUT. Until someone proves me wrong. I believe that there is no one out there for me. I will live this world living solo, therefore, I must study on my major and earn myself a hardcore rockstar living...

P.S. sorry about my rants. i just needed it. two songs i'd like to dedicate is:
Rain - Love Story
Minwoo - Don't Trust Men (ft. Big Tone)
they are my new addictions. and you get the point x)

ONE. TWO. THREE.

ONE. Ever since college started, I have had no time to myself.... SERIOUSLY.
Every day of my life is school, tutoring, study, church.  There is barely any time for me to sleep or have a little bit of my own private time.  I miss those days when I used to have nothing to do, so I'd go and record something.  I don't even have time to record at all anymore.  I feel so detatched from the world, almost like I don't belong anymore.  I wish I had more time on my hands so that I can hang out with my friends again, visit them, and just play the way I normally would. I seriously can't wait for the semester to end.

But then again, it is my fault for being in 10 courses -___-;;

TWO. I have no idea what is good or bad anymore. It just seems like whenever I do something which I feel is a good deed, it tends to be bad in other ways.  Is that how everything normally is, or is it just me?
I feel that even if I try my best, my best is never good enough.  I just end up getting into more tangles within the knot. I can never release the knot anymore. WHY? Is it my fault? Am I looking at life the wrong way? I don't know anymore....

THREE. I absolutely love church and I do not regret any minute of it. I feel like I can be myself and release all my stress when I'm with these awesome people.  I don't have that whole in my heart anymore and I'm content with where I am standing now.  I just hope that God can use me in a way to help all I can... without killing me, seriously (;

THE BIG ONE-EIGHT

Not so big, but I feel old.

I've been complaining to Eunsoo this week that I was probably one of the most loneliest people on earth. How I came to that conclusion? My friends all have birthdays before me and when I look through their pictures, they have so much fun going out, eating dinner, etc. I don't know it just seems like they have so much fun and I'm thinking to myself.. Why don't I have friends that I can do that with? I guess I've just been looking on the negative side which caused me to neglect the gift of friends I have in my life. I was wrong. I am not lonely. Sure, I may not have a birthday where my friends give me the biggest suprise bash that I've always dreamed of, but HEY, they are always going to be here for me... or I'd hope so.

For my birthday, I'm just really thankful for my family and friends - new and old ones.

To all my friends, I would just love to say that I love you guys so much and appreciate that God has given you to me in my lifetime. I could be one that is unlucky to not know you, but I do know you and that's why I should feel special... Thanks so much, again.

There are so many more people out there, but here's just a little list of people who come to my mind now...
David Kim. I always wonder why you always come first, but then again, I've always called you my #1 JJANG. lol. That will never change because we've known each other for so long, and even though we aren't as close as we were when we were 5, I still know that if I tripped and was stuck in the biggest hole, you'd come and help me up.
Eunsoo Kim. My BFFL. I feel that I can really open up to you when I need to. I thank you so much for being there for me when I'm down. Really. We help each other out in many ways and I'm so happy that you are in my life because without you, I'd have no one to ramble at. lol <3
Elizabeth Cho. I have known you for so long and am so happy to be able to know you. It's crazy how we can always come to each other, even after not talking for like years. I love you, You know that. YOU BETTER.
Amy Han. You are my sunshine~ My only sunshine~ You make me happy. When skies are gray. You do. Now don't stop. We have to hang out more. I miss doing that.
Julian Hur. I am so mean to you. You are so mean to me. But I am so happy that God brought you to me when we were so young. Thanks for being a great buddie and being here. I hope you have great times in Mexico Missions and don't die on me.. I mean it. Maybe we can go to next year missions together, as staff (;
Christina Yu. Thanks so much for being there for me. When I'm in Rutherford, you're always offering your house to me, making me feel at home again. I love you <3
Dong Son. YOU BETTER COME TO MY PARTY!!! I love you, really. Even though we don't talk a lot, I know you're always there.
Emily Lin. I've just met you this year for a few months, but it feels like I've known you forever and I know I can count on you to be there, listening to me and cheering me up. Remember, I'll be here for you too~
Ashley Beasley. YOU ARE THE LIGHT OF MY WORLD. You rock my life, really. Partying it up for me~ <3
Helen Kim. YOU ARE ALWAYS THERE. CRAZY STUFF <3. We need to hang out more, but I know I can count on your for anything.. FOR SURE~

there's so many more to list, but I'm running out of time... and this is just the few people who come to mind~

I'm just happy that I'm going on the ACC Retreat today, my birthday.

THANK YOU GOD <3

Tracking: Johnnyphlo - Too Much (ft. SUjjang)

edit; Tracking is now changed to Johnny and My Version of Too Much originally by Crown J and Suh InYoung.
if you wanna listen to the original, you can hear it on youtube. link is provided below..

http://youtube.com/watch?v=_YEh2ztL5Hs

Reason for this song...It's been on my mind and I love Crown J. I wanna marry him, seriously... well maybe someone like him.. x)
This is a catchy tune, really~
When the recording of me and Johnny Oppa get done, I shall post that on instead... if I don't end up ruining the song -_________________________-;

end of edit ---

OH THE OTHER HAND....

Normally, I was going to put up a Fly to the Sky song which would dedicate to the wonderful concert they are having as of right now in LA, and the SF concert on sunday.  Greiving.... Depression... Suffocation... I can't find the words I am feeling as of right now.  I'm so upset that I was not able to make this concert. I don't get it. Why not have one on the east coast and then one on the west coast. Their very first concert was located in Hawaii, and even that is on the west side. What do they have against the east side? Brian Oppa grew up here... Anything else? That should be more of the reason why they should have it on the east side.......

I don't know.. I'm just rambling now because I know I couldn't make it... and the fact that my seats were so close to the stage. Imagine... they would have sang on top of me. sweat on me. spit flying at me. held my hands. i would have never showered again.... not really.... but the excitement that fills you when you are at a concert... it just fails... I hope that they could have one in the east like jigeumnow...

life is unfair.... i get it...